Before we left America, the Peace Corps administration gave us all a small hard-bound blue notebook. They never told us what we were meant to do with it, but I think it was generally assumed that we would use it to write down words in Swahili that we learned, or for various other notes or reminders.
I turned mine into a quote book.
Walt: Is your story meant for other people to read?
Me: Yeah.
Walt: How are you going to make it interesting?
Every time I ever did something bad in my life, God was up there in heaven going, “yeah, keep it up asshole, ‘cause you’re going to Africa.”
- Fred
I came to Africa to hook up.
- Brian
…But we don’t want you to shit bricks.
- Jumapili
…And of course we all know that guys can’t perform under pressure.
- Dan, PCVL
I’m a big fan of masturbation also.
-Ethan, PVCL
Ethan has been masturbating for 2 years.
-Dr. Joy
That is what we call ‘eating shit’
-Edna
Constipation is only a dream.
-Dr. Kim
Do you know how stupid I am?
- Fred
If I get within 6 inches of milk things start flying out of my ass.
- Fred
Tanzania is the only place you see prostitutes in mumus.
- Marla
I’m not even gonna try to look cute today.
- Erin
…So the whole bus had to wait while he humped his girlfriend.
- Don
Who broke the 1st chair?
- Nick
Probably the guy who invented it.
- Ron
I’m just too English.
- Some English Guy
If you think about it…All the people of Germany are food.
- Ron
I’ve been thinking a lot about the size of animals and grazing.
- Jeremy
I’m really missing cheese right now.
- Me
Panicking is a good thing.
- Nurse Edna
We consummated our relationship in banda 10
- Julie
Don’t fuck with me right now AJ, I’m writing to 5th graders.
- Coleen
I hate those fucking crying-assed kids.
- Tiara
I might as well take off all my clothes and stick my money in my ass, cause we’re going to get raped.
- Kolin
Laurie, can you come up with a game that doesn't involve taking our clothes off?
- Scott
You're lame. My culture is way superior than yours.
- Erin
Don't ask me, ask the fuckerheads.
- Glen, VSO
It gets pretty steep in places. You're going to have to take off your shoes and pull up your socks.
- A Tanzanian, explaining the trail from Aaron's site to mine
You have a mouth, but I don't ask you to suck my dick.
- Jeremy's response to, 'you have a lot of money, why don't you give me some?'
Which is better, 'I don't like boys' or 'I only like girls'?
- Melanie
We didn't get lost, it's just really far.
- Aaron, summing up the doomed-to-fail walk from Lushoto to Korogwe
Don't put anything I've said in your quote book.
- Jen
I'm really missing sex right now.
- Me
I don’t discriminate against sluts
- Mariko
Call me dumbass and hit me harder
- Jen
In America people don’t steal things off our bodies.
- Erin
I’m not superwoman, even though I wanna be.
- Joanie
I’m personally into the short, skinny and hairy look.
- Jen
Dude, your camera’s as lame as you are.
- Aaron
Me: Alright, this is the sodium ion. It has 20 positively charged protons and 19 negatively charged electrons. 20 minus 19 equals positive one. Therefore the ion has a charge of positive one.
Student: Please sir, I don’t understand.
I don’t want you to see me anymore.
-the girl I’m in love with
Fuck.
That’s one of the worst cases of Peace Corps I’ve ever seen.
- Erin
I’m cracking up. Don’t tell Peace Corps.
- Me
This is where President Mkapa will live when he’s finished taking the country’s money.
- Omi
Let’s go to the video store and see if there’s any good movies to rent.
- Erin
If you put that in your quote book I’ll kill you in your sleep.
- Jen
Do you need someone to take care of you when you’re drunk?
- Erin
Fuck, I need someone to take care of me when I’m sober.
- Me
Some people learn from their mistakes, but I’ve found if you keep banging your head against the same wall long enough, it kinda starts to feel good.
- Me
I can’t imagine having kids. That’s a lifetime commitment.
- Ron
Do you ever get tired of people staring at you with undisguised lust? Because I don’t.
- Me
Me: I just figure if I keep talking, something I say is bound to be funny.
Crystal: Yeah, we’ll let you know.
I’m just not normal
- Julie
AIDS doesn’t take 9 months—that’s a baby.
- Stacy
Nothing like a little male-on-male penis envy
- Ron
My headmaster is like a giant toad
- Mariko
Math is hard. Especially if you’re stupid
- Me
I hate talking to Tanzanians
- Nathan
That’s a really nice carcass
- Melinda
I have no idea. My school is so fucked up.
- Lisa
If they’re going to steal my $3,000 at least they’ll have to touch my penis too and that’s worth it
-Aaron
I’m so smart when I’m drunk. And pretty.
-Erin
I was talking about my penis.
-Walter
This is Mr. Sichoni. Can you pronounce ‘Sichoni’?
- Mr. Mdemu
Me: Is there a belozi tomorrow?
Mr. Mdemu: Baraza.
Me: What’s a Baraza?
Mr. Mdemu: Ba-RA-za.
Me: I hate you
Melanie: You could go to Arusha tomorrow.
Me: What difference would that make?
Melanie: You could say goodbye.
Me: What difference would that make?
Marine: Yeah the guys at the post office are really nice. One of them gave me a Christmas card.
Me: That’s because he wants to have sex with you.
“Everyone look—a Tanzanian man cooking”
- Me
You know, it’s unusual for a beautiful girl that age to stay single for very long
- Walt
Tanzanian Teacher: are you going to wear your Tanzanian shirts in America?
Me: The problem is if I wear shirts like this people will think I’m homosexual.
Tanzanian Teacher: Oh, so you’re not going to wear them.
Me: No, I’m going to wear them.
Student: “Who do you like better, N’Sync or Backstreet Boys”
Me: “I hate both of them”
Student: “Oh. So, you are antisocial.”
Me: “Yeah, pretty much”
Student: I am a European girl
Me: Oh yeah? What country in Europe are you from?
Student: Um…Canada.
She’s not as innocent as she seems, and she seems real slutty
- Aaron
Mzungu tired. Mzungu want food.
- my Dad
Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Me
No it didn’t.
- Joe
Remember the one who makes worst of time is the one who first starts complaining for its shortest.
- Quote written on the wall of the form VI classroom at Korogwe Girls Secondary School
Yeah. Think about it.
Actually, Peace Corps is a lot easier if you just stop caring.
- Nathan
You will not find love in Africa. You will not find love in America. You will not find love anywhere; it will find you and you’ll know it immediately.
- Jason
I don’t have to use a condom because I pray.
- Some stupid fucking Tanzanian who is probably dead from AIDS by now
Mr. Basso: Mr Andrew, tell me something.
Me: Dolphins have prehensile penises.
Mr. Basso: I’m sorry?
Me: Yeah, think about it.
Ron: Well, you know, unawezakana.
Me: Yeah…what’s that mean anyway?
Ron: I don’t know.
My students asked me what the effects of masturbation are. Well, you get off, you don’t get AIDS, and no one gets pregnant.
- Jen
And you clog the mosquito netting.
- Nathan
Thomas: I shouldn’t mention names, but AJ has lots of friends in Korogwe outside the school, and he’s much happier
Aaron: AJ doesn’t have any friends in Korogwe outside the school. He doesn’t have any inside the school. We don’t even like him that much since he’s always depressed because his girlfriend is in England.
God I’m glad I can laugh at your life
- Aaron
Me: You know, there’s a disproportionate number of left-handed people in Peace Corps
Melinda: Yeah, and there’s also a disproportionate number of left-handed people in special ed. classes
Jen: Yeah thanks guys for taking me to the disco so I could get my crotch grabbed.
Me: That’s why I went
I hate the thought of you living.
-Damari
I really hope she meant leaving
Melanie: You teach math?
Aaron: No, I baby-sit Swahili kids.
Irene: Can I ask you a question about biology? Why is it that a girl can go without sex but a boy must have sex?
Health box question of the week: Why do ducks become unconscious during sex?
-Jen
Helen: You should be in the staff room at this time
Me: Yeah, and you should be in class
Aaron: Is this your first trip to Africa?
Me: Is it going to be your last?
He wants my dog, my bike and my wife, but those are the only 3 things I like in Tanzania.
- Aaron
Jessica: What do I have to do to get a guy to feel that way about me?
Me: Well, find a guy that’s unstable to begin with, then fuck with his head for about 6 weeks.
Democracy doesn’t work in Africa
- Jacky
Jen’s safari guide: So, in America they speak English, and some Swahili?
Jen: No one in America speaks Swahili
Jen’s safari guide: Then how do they know ‘jambo’ and ‘hallo’?
English club Girls: What are you going to tell people about Africa when you go back to America?
Me: Do you want me to be honest?
